Have you told your child they can talk to you about anything and it still doesn’t feel like they want to open up? As parents, we wonder how we can help our kids feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, questions, and concerns. Part of the answer lies in becoming an “askable parent.”
What Does It Mean to Be Askable?
Being an askable parent means presenting yourself as an open and safe person to talk to. It’s about creating an environment where children feel they can discuss any topic without fear of judgment. By being askable, you’re positioning yourself as a trusted resource for information and support. There are many ways to become more approachable below are varying approaches that can be used together to help facilitate conversations and encourage becoming a trusted resource for your child.
Listen Without Pressure
Children are more likely to open up if they don’t feel pressured to share information. Stay open and interested, but avoid prying. Let your child know they can talk to you anytime.
It helps to have many small conversations rather than one big conversation, which can put a lot of pressure on both of you. Also, not every conversation needs to be a “teachable moment.” Simply doing things together and spending quality time with your child can encourage further open communication.
Take Them Seriously
Teens, in particular, crave respect from adults.
Make it clear that their feelings matter to you. Don’t downplay their emotions by saying things like “It’s not that big a deal” or “It won’t matter as much when you’re older.” Show them you understand and empathize with what they’re feeling.
Active listening is a great way to let them know they’re being heard. Active listening involves listening to what your child says and then paraphrasing or summarizing what they’ve said. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated about that.” This shows you’re paying attention and helps your child feel understood and validated.
Be Open to Any Questions
When your child asks a question, respond positively. A simple “I’m glad you asked that” can encourage them to keep coming to you with questions.
We might worry about sharing too much too soon. If a child is old enough to ask a question, they’re old enough to receive an honest, age-appropriate answer. Also, if they’re hearing something from peers, it’s time to address it. Start slow, ask what they already know, and go from there.
Set Clear Expectations
While it’s important to listen, don’t forget to share your own feelings, values, and attitudes. When addressing matters of safety, such as alcohol or substance use, send a clear and strong message.
Be sure your child understands your rules and the consequences for breaking them — and, most importantly, that you will consistently enforce these consequences. Research shows that kids who are not regularly monitored by their parents and don’t have clear boundaries around substance use are four times more likely to use alcohol and drugs. Remember, it’s important to have tough conversations.
With that said, it helps to move beyond “because I said so.” Make it clear that you care about them and want them to have the information they need to be safe and healthy.
Being an askable parent is a journey, not a destination. It takes practice and sometimes means stepping outside of your comfort zone. But the rewards are well worth the effort. By being askable, you’re not just answering questions; you’re building trust and open communication that will benefit your relationship for years to come.
Resources: